Why Kurt Will Never Drink In Public Again
by Kiyo Kage
Summary: Kurt didn't vomit on Emma, he vomited on Brittney.  What happens when the girl shows up at his house?


Prompt: "Kurt, there's a girl at the door saying that you owe her a date and a new pair of shoes" by the-beginning-of-the-end

Warning: Crack!Fic…enough said. In Rhodes Not Taken, Kurt didn't vomit on Ms. Pillsbury, he vomited on Brittney.

Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Glee.

…

"_Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy," Kurt mumbled, Brittney's image swirling in his vision._

"_Bambi?" Brittney questioned, looking around. "I didn't know deer were allowed in the-" she was cut off by, first, the sight of Kurt doubling over and second, the feeling of vomit that had just left Kurt's mouth._

"I still can't believe I did that…" Kurt whined, burying his face in Noah Puckerman's chest. Noah chuckled, pulling Kurt in closer.

"I wish I could have seen that, princess," Noah replied, smirking at the look of indignation that crossed his boyfriend's face.

Yes, boyfriend. Shortly after Kurt joined the football team, Puck had come to the realization that he may not be entirely straight. At first, he had rationalized it by saying (to himself, of course, in the safety of his room) that Kurt was the most feminine boy he had ever met. After they had won that game, when Quinn had kissed Finn, Puck returned to the locker room alone. Kurt was already there (he had been heading to the showers earlier than the others because nobody wanted to shower with the queer and he refused to go home sweaty and stinky) and had sat down next to Puck, offering his silent support.

That support had meant the world to Puck. One thing led to another, and long story short, there was a heated make-out session with Kurt propped up against the side of the shower. Everything went pretty quickly from there. Kurt introduced Noah to Burt (who had somewhat over-reacted, letting Noah know that he had a gun and was willing to go to prison for his son) and went on their first date. Burt was still the only person who knew about their relationship, because Noah wasn't ready to come out of the closet.

The fact that nobody knew the two of them were together was the one reason that today was going to be the single worst day of Kurt's life. He couldn't use the fact that he was spending the day with his boyfriend as an excuse to get out of what was about to happen.

"No, you do not want to see that, nor do I ever want you to see me like that," Kurt topped off his statement with a glare.

"Why, you scared I'll take advantage of you in your drunken state?" Noah whispered in Kurt's ear.

"Nope. If you're going to take advantage of me, I'd rather be completely lucid and remember it later," Kurt countered. It was at that time that Burt had decided to enter Kurt's room. It was an unspoken rule that Kurt was to keep the door open at all times when Noah was over, and Burt was allowed to come downstairs and check on the two of them.

"Puckerman, there will be no taking advantage of my son, you got that? I keep my gun loaded."

"Yes sir," Noah mumbled in a surprisingly meek voice.

"And Kurt, there's a…um, Kurt, there's a girl at the door saying that you owe her a date and a new pair of shoes," Burt told his son, looking every bit as confused as Kurt felt.

"What? Who?" were the only words Kurt could form after hearing that announcement.

"Some blond cheerleader. Doesn't seem too bright. I'm surprised she was able to find the house."

"Brittney?" Noah gasped, beginning to laugh.

"What do I do?" Kurt whined, looking to Noah for guidance.

"I'd say go on the date. It could be fun," Noah started. "But not too much fun. I don't want you leaving me for a girl who thought Bambi was actually in the school."

And that was how Kurt ended up here, at some fancy restaurant, sitting across the table from Brittney. However, he wasn't the only one in misery. He had forbid Noah to leave his house, leaving the poor boy to fend for himself against Burt Hummel.

"Why was Puck at your house?" Brittney asked, twirling a bit of her hair in her fingers.

"I was helping him with his English project," Kurt mumbled, wishing his food was there so he had an excuse not to answer her. He just had to get through this dinner and shoe shopping, then he was home free.

"Doesn't Puck know how to speak English?" Kurt almost face palmed, wondering where Brittney was headed.

"Yes. That's not what English class is."

"But we learn how to speak Spanish in Spanish class," Brittney pointed out. Kurt had to admit, in some twisted logic, Brittney had a point.

"But since we already know how to speak English, English class is where we work on essays and the like. Don't you ever go to English?" Kurt was slightly afraid of the answer he would receive.

"No. I already know how to speak English." Oh dear Alexander McQueen, the girl was serious! By this time, the food had arrived, by Kurt hadn't even noticed.

"Brittney, if you don't take those classes, you won't graduate!"

"But if I graduate, I won't be a Cheerio any more. And Coach Sylvester said that nobody quits the Cheerios. I'll either die or get kicked off. She won't kick me off, so I'll die if I graduate, and I don't want to die," Brittney said all this with a straight face, so Kurt lost all hope that she might be kidding.

"You won't die if you graduate," Kurt mumbled, finally noticing his food and starting to eat. Brittney looked unconvinced, but joined Kurt in silence.

Kurt wanted to be anywhere else at the moment. His day of lying around with Noah was ruined, thanks to the girl sitting across from him. That thought alone made Kurt hate the girl.

When they finally got to the shoe store (after an hour of rainbows and other such talk from Brittney), Kurt shoved her into a seat, bought her shoes, and dragged her out of the door. When they finally reached Brittney's house, Kurt gripped the steering wheel, trying to find something civil to say.

"Well, I had a nice time," he stated, not looking at Brittney. If he had looked, he would have seen her leaning over, and could have avoided the kiss that she gave him.

"What the hell was that for?" Kurt screeched, pushing Brittney as far away from him as possible.

"Well, we just went on a date. Those normally end with a goodbye kiss," Brittney stated.

"Not this one! I'm gay, remember?" Brittney made an "oh" sound, then looked confused once more.

"If you're gay, why did you go on this date with me?"

"Because you showed up at my house!" Kurt screamed. "For the sake of our friendship, please, just leave. I need to go home and forget this ever happened."

Brittney nodded, grabbing her shoes and walking to her house. Kurt sped home, putting as much distance between him and the blond from hell as he could. When he walked through the door, Noah had the nerve to ask how it went.

"If you EVER send me off on a date like that again, I will castrate you! She is the absolute dumbest person I have ever met! She thinks English is optional because she can speak the language! She thinks she'll die if she graduates! Oh, and here's the best part-SHE KISSED ME!" Kurt screamed at his boyfriend before going down to his room.

Both Noah and Kurt learned something that day. Noah learned that he can run pretty faced when faced with an angry father who owns a gun. And Kurt learned that he will NEVER drink in public ever again.

…

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